every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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