you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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