I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
