Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
