Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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