My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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