Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
