Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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