In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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