Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize