suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
