I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just blew my weed a kiss
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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