I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
