Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
