She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
