whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
