I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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