His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize