i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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