I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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