I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
