oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
