At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
