his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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