I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
