I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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