Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
