ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
