Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Are my feet made of real feet?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
