as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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