Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
