He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
