My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
