it's like iHOP with fire
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
