Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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