i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
