Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
