your room smells of hookers.
And success
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
