Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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