I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize