Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
