I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
