dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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