My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
