i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
