My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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