I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
