He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
