Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's official drugs can't kill me
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
