We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
