peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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