It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
