GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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