His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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