What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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