Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
