I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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