why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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