i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
