bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
